there i just said it, i'm scared you'll forget about me

Edge of Desire : John Mayer

I don't very often admit to feeling afraid, but this time, I'm afraid. Of what?

This weekend.

Four and a half months along and I'm STILL having more firsts. Unfortunately, this was a first I had hoped would never come.

Please don't let my fears become a reality.

i don't wanna sound ridiculous but i think you know i'm sick of this

My Oldest Friend : Andrew Belle

Sometimes it feels as though no matter what you do in your life, you can't change whatever fate there is that is set out for you. Unfortunately, it appears to me that this said 'fate' is not a reflection of my own personal preferences.

And I do mean this in every imaginable way. Often times, it just seems as though no matter how hard you work, how great you treat the people in your life, how honest you are with yourself, how many risks you take, how many times you brush yourself off after falling to start again, how many different types of adversity you face and overcome, or how many times you feel as though giving up is all that is left and you still push forward, that life will never play out the way you want it to.

Maybe it's just about time to accept that no one can change their own fate in any possible way, that the path you take was truly the only one you could follow. Maybe from the day each of us are born, life is already decided and no matter what we do, we cannot alter it.

But maybe, that all sounds completely ridiculous too.

All I know, is for tonight I'm done putting in all the effort to be better then yesterday, to be stronger than before. For tonight, I'm finished trying. Like Dr. Bailey so expertly put it in the Grey's episode this week, "She can be positive tomorrow".

retrace the steps we took on that long summer night

Retrace : Anberlin

I found myself in an oddly nostalgic mood tonight, particularly in regards to last summer and all the amazing memories from it.

I began remembering the beach, unfair water fights, movie nights, bon fires, attempting to build those bon fires, lying out under the stars for hours, spontaneous kd lunches, maintenance carts running me over at work, crazy and not so crazy dance parties, sand everywhere, learning how to build a tent, long drives with the window’s down, being forced to go see boy movies, sunburns, lazy days on the couch watching re-runs, continuous music, the sun, late night walks, beach volleyball, milkshakes, goofy photoshoots, water tubing, grocery shopping, talking until the sun came up, smiles, swings and slides, losing track of time because there was always more of it, the dock, ice cream, and lasting memories.

Last summer was everything I could wish for and more. Even though I know these next four months will be difficult, they will be just as memorable, only for very different but equally as important reasons.

I just need to remember, summer, and for that matter life is far too short to not enjoy, even if the circumstances are not what I hope, it will always be exactly what I need. It's all just apart of the journey...

don't you think it's obvious that i want to say more?

Midnight Highway : Daphne Loves Derby

A wise man named Thomas Gray once said, "ignorance is bliss" (1742).

And after all those years, he's still completely right.

and i need you now tonight, and i need you more then ever

Total Eclipse of the Heart : gLee Cast Version

Most days distractions are easy to come by and feelings are easy to hide, not only from the world but from my own mind and heart. Most days "fake it till you make it" is a legitimate and capable solution to solve most overly emotional situations. There are days though that are an exception to the norm, there are days that don't fit into the category of "most days". Days when even almost four months after a fact you can't pretend anymore.

Days such as today when its now my sixth performance in the last month and a half and I look into the audience as I'm about to begin and do not see the one smiling face that would make this show more amazing than the last. Days such as today when I am forced to relive memories because of the most ridiculous memory cue imaginable, and even though I want to hold onto each thought that comes flooding in my head, I know I can't because in the long run, it will just create more pain for me. Days such as today when after all of the other events of the day I sit on my bed staring at my phone, even if I've deleted your number to reduce temptation, I know I have it memorized backwards and forwards and could recall it in a heartbeat.

It's days such as today that I wish I just would have slept through, chose not to get out of bed and simply shut out the world to protect not only my mind but my heart.

I guess the great thing about days like today is that tomorrow is a new day. I will go to sleep tonight and when the sun peaks in the morning these thoughts, feelings, and emotions will be pushed once again to the back of my mind. Tomorrow, I will wake up and get ready to go to my seventh performance where I will look into the audience in hopes that it won't hurt as much as the last six times my number one fan wasn't there.

But for now, I will lay here wrapped up tight in my blankets hoping for a better day tomorrow, while finding my one thing to smile about in order to get me through. For now, I will keep that one re-assurance I have that I am not completely crazy close to my heart, where it will always belong. For now, I will close my eyes and let music drift me off to sleep where days such as today won't hurt anymore, and the hope of an easier tomorrow is stronger than ever.

"Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it." : Jacques Prévert

it's an ugly world but you can smile all you want

Sidewalk Sing Along : Backseat Goodbye

Smiles are kind of a funny thing. For such a simple facial feature, they sure are complex when you really think about them. For example, there is a million different types and motivations for making one, the most basic reason being to convey happiness but even in that is it genuine or forced? Beaming for all to see or just a sign of your own personal satisfaction? The list of possibilities continues on and on...

Despite all of the that though, what I really wanted to say was I caught myself smiling tonight. A real, genuine, happy to be me, I want to remember this moment in the future, everything is going to be okay and work out for the best, complete indication of my thoughts smile, and it felt fantastic.

I realize how absolutely ridiculous that sounds, but smiling, an insignificant control of 14 tiny facial muscles is amazing. No matter how far down a person sinks, finding something to smile about can really make all the difference. I know every motivational speaker from the beginning of time has lectured that theory, but today I have become a believer.

So, here's what I propose, take at least one moment throughout each busy day to find one aspect of your day/week/life/whatever to smile about, and let yourself have that moment to actually enjoy your life before you miss out on all the great things you already have going on in it. I promise you, happiness is not overrated!

and today was a day just like any other

I'm Ready : Jack's Mannequin

Has anyone ever noticed that there is a point in life where every day begins to feel like every other? Well, today that was exactly what I realized. Without even recognizing it, I was allowing my life to quickly slip into a state of monotony and quite honestly to some extents depression. I was inadvertently allowing the actions of others to influence the outcome of my own life, and my happiness.

Today, this stops. Today I'm beginning my own personal journey towards what I want, and what makes me most happy. Today, I am regaining complete control of my life.

And so begins this, a place all my own where I can share all of those feelings and realizations I hope to make along the way as I attempt to break free from this sad mold I've created for myself.

For some reason I have a feeling that I've just signed on for the ride of my life, and I honestly can't wait.